In 2009, Wei Shengchu set a senseless world record by jabbing 2,009 needles into his head. Hey Wei, do you realize this record will need to be defended on a regular basis? If you truly have a compulsion to be the reigning King Pinhead, we love writing about you.

However, since you obviously aren’t too bright, our staff has collected these guiding thoughts to dispel any misconceptions that may be inadvertently justifying your behavior.

A headful of needles will not:
1. improve your mobile phone signal

2. lower your blood pressure

3. be a long term solution for pin cushion envy

4. help you get through airport security

5. empower you to cast voodoo spells

6. reduce your chances of being struck by lightning

7. land you the leading role in the next Hell Raisers movie

9. be covered by insurance as alternative medicine

10. qualify you as modern art